And So We Go Again

For such a very final thing this death business seems never ending.

There’s always another person to tell..a distant relative or a new acquaintance

There’s always a new bill to be cancelled or paid or a company etc to notify.

There’s a first birthday, a first mothers day, a first Thursday..a twelfth one.

Death is neverending for those of us left behind.

I had to pick another outfit to bury my mam in today. Again. Another set of clothes I will never be able to look at again.

And you want to look well for everyone else, you know? You want to represent her well so you can’t just throw on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and not do your hair and stand there with a beer in your hand sobbing your heart out telling everyone to fuck right off while you plant a box in a grave. So I shall sacrifice more of my favourite clothes to it.

And so it will continue. We will again say goodbye to mama Cath like we do at the start of every day and at the end of it.

And I am tired of saying goodbye in between begging her to come back.

I do you know..every fucking day I beg and I cry and I pray to a god I do not believe in for her to come home to me.

Because none of us work well without her. That’s the truth. None of us do. She did the hard stuff and brought the fun. She propped us up and pushed us onwards. Especially me.

I know what she would do and I know what she would say and so I know what I should be doing and some days I do it, some days I even manage to do it laughing.

To feel someone so close and yet miss them so very much is insanity inducing. To try to contemplate that you will NEVER EVER see the person who loved you most and knew you best EVER again is honestly crazy making.

So I share the crazy here so that on Saturday morning I will be sane enough to shower and wash my hair and dress in the clothes I will never want to wear again and be dignified while yet again saying goodbye to someone who I will NEVER willingly let go while silently I beg her to come back.

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