The Purge 

I gotta get some stuff outta my head sorry. Please don’t read if you’re easily upset 

I keep looking for you and you’re not there. It hurts.

I call you and you’re not answering and it hurts.

I need advice and you’re not giving it and it hurts.

It doesn’t hurt in a minor way. It hurts in a way that I can’t catch my breath. I want to puke. My eyes and throat ache from crying and from trying not to cry.

I don’t want this life without you. I’m not grateful for the fact I had you or glad you’re out of pain.

I’m selfish and I’m greedy and I don’t fuckin care cause you should be here. You were too fucking young and you LOVED living. So young and so so NEEDED.

I waste life I know that I’m not grateful for it like most people are and I don’t make the most of it. You didn’t, you savoured it..Good bad ups downs you dealt with it and looked forward to the next part.

It shouldn’t have been you. And I just wanna be where you are..dust in a box, sitting on a cloud, at a bar with Elvis, doesn’t matter how or where I just wanna be where you are. Or to swop with you..I’d give my life to give you yours so long as we can meet for 5 mins in the middle so I can smell your perfume and share our thoughts. 

5 minutes wouldn’t be enough but I’d give anything to get it…

I don’t know how to express it without blogging…making this the most maudlin blog ever. I don’t know how to tell people that hell no I’m not ok and it is not ok and no I don’t ever want it to feel ok because that means you’re gone and you’re not coming back and that is for sure NOT fucking ok.

I don’t want to smile and reminesce and think of you in a better place. I want to look across the sitting room and have you be in THIS place in MY place with ME.

This is not ok. It’s not ok that people I meet won’t know you. It’s not ok that we’re going to get used to the absence of you and it is not fucking ok that this is ‘natural’ and ‘life’ and part of living.

It’s not ok that we all reassure each other and cheer each other up  when we all want to just rail and scream and go insane. Who says we have to be fucking dignified and accepting and deal…why the fuck should we. 

I don’t want to be ok without you. I want you to answer the fucking phone tell me it’s ok to feel and act like shit and then that you’ll come see me later and I can ignore you if I want to.

Come home.

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