Stop Spinning..

I’d like to get off now.
I’ve been afraid to write my blog. Terrified in fact. God knows what will come out of my brain!

Ever feel like the world is turning really fast but you’re staring at one spot and you can’t look away or slow it down so you’re just stuck.

I’m stuck looking at my mama taking her last breaths, I’m stuck wondering what the last thing I said was or worse thinking my last words were where do you want your funeral. The last words I said that I know for sure she heard. Not I love you not thank you not don’t you dare leave me.

I see her in the coffin every time. She looked like my mama, she looked great. She looked like she should have been standing beside me…but she wasn’t.

I’m alone. Now don’t take that as me not knowing you’re all there for me reaching out a hand. Just..your mama is the one person who loves you unconditionally. She grows you, protects you, teaches you. Then she leaves you. Fact of life maybe..cruel painful and heartbreaking definitely.

Grief is weird. I feel like no one in the world has ever felt the grief I do. Intellectually I realise this is far from true. But in my heart no one has ever loved or been loved or had the relationship that I had with my Mama Cath.

As Meredith and Christina would say she was ‘my person’

And now I’m trying to be a grown up. Dislike. I’m trying to go to work. Dislike. Help other people with their grief. Dislike. Think..dislike

Tis strange. Not real. I don’t ever want it to become real. 

So months mind done. Everyone back to real life. And I’m watching the world spin really fast wishing I could reverse it, pause it, or look away.

Thank you all for being here. Sorry if I’m clinging hard to some of you and avoiding others. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Just some people knew Mam better..and some days I don’t want the reminder. And some of you are also grieving..and my heart can’t handle it. And some of you say nice things…and my cynical sarcastic self wants to be mean, wants to reject it because I don’t do kind often. 

Yet I need a hug. Now don’t think that means you should touch me we all know I don’t like that. The hug I need is from my mama..or you know the pat on the back and sarcastic words that we used.

I’m tired. Tired and scared. Tired and scared and lonely. 

And she won’t answer the phone…huh. How rude.

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