Verbal Diarrhoea..

..a good thing or a bad thing? I really want to know

I don’t know if you all know this but I have a teensy tiny habit of being a bit flippant in my social interactions! Or you know to be honest.. rude uncouth vulgar and crude as well as intrusive and absurd.
I don’t have any taboo subjects. You want to talk sex,drugs and pop music I’m your girl.(I have accepted I will never ever ever be cool enough to debate great rock anthems after my very public announcement of my opinion that Abba was underrated)

Wanna debate world politics or argue Kanye vs Taylor bring it on. I know nothing about either but I won’t let that stop me from forming an outlandish opinion just for a reaction.

Unfortunately my lack of boundaries has no consideration for whether you have any or not so umm whoops sorry about that.
Its a mixture of curiousity and a fear of silence that makes me ask questions such as “are you not afraid of her braces when she’s giving you head?” To an acquaintance at an Xmas party…

Let me point out I’m a 33 yr old woman not a teenage boy and this was not my Xmas party and I was  Not quiet when I asked!

Or “but do you really love your kids all of the time ?” To my boss at a break in a work meeting while he tells me about his much cherished 3 yr old.

I hate silence, I hate awkwardness and I hate general banal chit chat..I’m crap at it and I don’t wanna have to ask about your great aunts eye operation that you announced on fbook. 

This doesnt mean that I don’t care I mean I’m delighted she no longer needs glasses. I just can’t see past 3 sentences worth of conversation out of this information and my social anxiety soars. 

So I shall instead try to provoke you with questions such as..but do you honestly truly believe the man you just married..the love of your life you say hmm that’s nice..Is really going to only sleep with you for the rest of your life? Oh and congratulations the wedding was beautiful. This will either inspire honest conversation or prefereably good banter or a walk off..I’m happy with all 3 options!

Or are you absolutely sure you want a baby (when you’re six months pregnant). Maybe you should take up smoking to make it come out smaller? Conversation about that normally involves grimacing and crossing my legs in fear of it catching (cause that’s how babies are made you know)

My typical conversation with strangers:

Nice to meet…insert insult/ask random absurd question to start a debate..insert more insults..say something I fully don’t believe in order to get reaction ..walk away..internally facepalm at the crap I said then wallow in it for about a yr

But oh holy God you know that bewildered slightly stunned look you get on your face when I say something really out there…you should see the way I’m looking at myself.

I swear I get an urge to look for the ventriloquist throwing the words out of my mouth. I can honestly say sometimes the things I say don’t seem to actually form as thoughts in my head they actually appear as the words are spoken..truly terrifying.
But for all of the embarrassed ass kickings I  give myself (and by God is there a lot of it) I genuinely do want to know are you not afraid your gf will get lockjaw and garrotte you mid bj. 

I absolutely definitely would prefer to know the answer to that than how work is going when I don’t even know if you work or where or at what. 

I don’t want to have the same conversation with 20 different people and learn absolutely nothing about them. I want an honest conversation even if the content of it means that I will never want to see you again. In fact normally that’s the aim sorry

I genuinely do not mean to speak over people (you’re just not interesting me enough ha ha) nor did I mean to walk away mid chat (I just happened to notice someone else I can insult and scandalize and I’ve already ruined your day so it’s only fair I help someone else) I just don’t recognise polite ways to gracefully leave a conversation that has died a painful death. Honestly I dont

Some days I hate my inability to just bloody chit chat and say nicities. I also wonder if it’s a form of Tourettes and promise to never ask another stupid question on purpose again.

Other days real Niamh is out to play and well..things get awkward 


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